


courage.

by starlightsongs



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: ...ish?, Anxiety, Depression, F/F, Mutual Pining, Self-Reflection, Spoken Word, a self-indulgent ramble maybe but i hope it means something to someone, if i'm being absolutely honest i don't know what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 04:54:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20371018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightsongs/pseuds/starlightsongs
Summary: she is the most courageous girl I've ever met.and if I were nearly as brave, maybe i’d tell her that she means the world to me.that I have feelings for her.but I don’t have the courage.





	courage.

**Author's Note:**

> long time no see huh~  
this fic was a bit of a ramble for me - I'm not sure if it even falls under fiction or poetry at this stage of the game so bear (heheh michelle) with me ^^;;
> 
> some context: it's a recap of the "flying" portion of the live from bandori s2 s4 but later in time. it's implied that they're familiar with the situation but scared nonetheless, capturing the sort of thoughts that run through their head during it all. 
> 
> to note: this fic briefly addresses heavier topics like anxiety & depression. if anything is triggering i'd really like the heads up ;; i was hoping the fic would serve to showcase it effectively without it being overwhelming. though i'm familiar with the feelings themselves, i'm not as tactful at getting them across, so all suggestions are welcome. thank you again for taking the time to read this and i hope you enjoy !!

“Everyone, what’s the matter? Come on! Let’s fly!”

My heart thumps in its chest, rising to an uncomfortable speed as the hot air balloon soars further up into the sky. Though the act is familiar, it never fails to frighten me nonetheless.

Not that anything _ doesn’t _ frighten me.

“_ Have courage,” _ I tell myself. Courage is, after all, the only thing that keeps me here.

Alive.

Breathing.

Sane.

Kokoro Tsurumaki taught me that I needed to have that courage within myself to live life the way I wanted to. That I couldn’t forever be isolated in fear of not being good enough, or that something bad was always going to happen.

  
My brain always insisted on keeping me on-edge and it was a working effort every day to ensure that it shut up. Sometimes it’d get me lost. I’d be too distracted with trying to silence the neverending calamity in my head while trying to walk home.

I look around me as the world drifted further and further away while we soared up.

_ Like birds in the sky _ , _ Kaoru had mentioned. _

_ Graceful, like swans. _

The lights start to dim as we drift into the distance that was the night sky, as we enwrap ourselves into the deep purple mist. The temperature drops and suddenly our costumes don’t feel so secure anymore. My teeth chatter and I smile to mask the internal ramblings.

_ We’re going to fall! _

_ We’re going to get frostbite! _

_ This isn’t safe. _

I grip the drumsticks in my hand and clench them tight, hyped with an energy to pour all of the negativity out and into something that could create magic with it. The fear would manifest itself into something that would put joy into the lives of others, and I would once again, treasure every moment of it.

Kaoru’s face has now turned purple as she began to tune her instrument, as she plasters a smile across her face. Hagumi leaps in joy as she notices the world below us, commenting that “Kaa-kun looks like an ant!” Kokoro prances around as if we were still on the ground.

Old me would’ve felt inferior in the midst of their presence.

I turn to Michelle, who remains still as she oversees everything. Her mouth remains shut but I know that inside Misaki might be screaming, begging to be let out, begging to do anything but this. But she doesn’t.

Because she has courage.

I stand close to Michelle and squeeze her hand tightly, sending a silent message to reassure her that everything would be okay. Misaki squeezes back and my heart warms, knowing that the message went through successfully.

I do wonder sometimes if I’d be better off in a band that didn’t venture far away islands and soar through the sky on hot-air balloons. A band that keeps me on my feet and out of potential trouble might do a better job at slowing my heart rate.

But then I remember the rush of being amongst these four, who I am proud to call my friends. The four who have showed me that yes, I am of worth and yes, I can find my own spark of courage. That at the end of the day, I am the one in control and that I can be Hello, Happy World!’s treasured drummer. That I can do all of these amazing things and use my willpower to fight against the side of myself that tells me I can’t.

I look over at Michelle again and I think about how Misaki hadn’t even wanted to be here at first. That she had stayed for _ my _ sake: making a promise to protect me, immediately sensing my anxiety and acknowledging it as the demon it was. She had gotten into a habit of being thrust into things she clearly wasn’t comfortable doing: performing in a mascot suit (though she grew to enjoy it), performing lives in dangerous settings, running in circles to make the band work when she would rather be relaxing.

Confessing her love to me.

...Theatrically, at least.

Not that she had stayed only for me. I noticed how each day she walked out of rehearsal with a slightly wider grin, her shoulders slightly more relaxed as she accepted the nature of Hello, Happy! with ease. I knew right then and there: the reason she sensed my worries the minute we met and made the extra effort to make sure I was safe. 

She had some demons of her own.

And yet she fought them with all of her might. She’d yell out often at Kokoro’s nonsensical conclusions, thinking immediately about the consequences for any of us. She drove herself crazy trying to understand the logic of the Band That Did Not Follow Such A Thing but stayed put regardless. Because she knew at the end of the day, being in the band did her more good than harm.

I look again at Michelle, who has taken a seat, ready to jump off and catch Kokoro’s freefall. She has stopped questioning why her, or why the act, and accepted it as her role to put those fears aside for the sake of our safety.

“Everyone, let’s start!” Kokoro yells, as she jumps off the side. Michelle starts to stand up, ready to follow.

“Good luck, Misaki-chan,” I say quietly to the most courageous girl I’ve ever met. 

If I were nearly as brave, maybe I’d tell her that she means the world to me.

That I have feelings for her.

But I don’t have the courage.

My heart pounds in my ears too loud to catch the reply.

* * *

“Good luck, Misaki-chan.”

Her voice is gentle, its sweet nature ringing through my ears as I feel the winds of the sky beneath me. I am free falling without the immediate activation of a parachute.

Not that I haven’t already pictured the image within my head.

Every inch of me begs to scream out in pain. To tell The Suits that we shouldn't have gone through with this plan and that Kokoro was always too optimistic. But I don’t - I can’t. I’ve been through this before.

“_ Have courage,” _ I tell myself. Courage is, after all, the only thing that keeps me here.

Alive.

Breathing.

Sane.

I _ can _ do this.

I refocus my attention to the reckless ball of energy below me who is unaware of what the emotion of fear actually is. Are negative emotions something you can avoid when you’re rich enough? And if so, can I be signed up?

The lights start to brighten as I fly down into the overlooking city. My body weight shifts from side to side and suddenly the bear suit doesn’t feel so secure anymore. My jaw tightens and I close my eyes to distract myself from the worries that surround me.

_We're going to fall! _

_We're going to get frostbite!_

_ This isn’t safe. _

I think about how calm, gentle, and reassuring Kanon’s voice was as she wished me off. I had made a promise to myself - and to her - that when I joined this band, I would protect her. But all she had been doing since was protecting _ me _. How she has continued to keep a brave face throughout it all, even though I know that deep down, she is scared of it all. 

Because she has courage.

I think about how she squeezed my hand - how she was counting on the big Michelle hands to squeeze back and reassure her that everything would be okay.

After all, Michelle is the courageous superwoman of the day.  
Not me.

I open my eyes again, feeling the wind’s gusts remind me that it was time to activate the suit’s flight mood. I attempt to silence the worrying ramblings in my head to calmly punch in the correct code.

_ KOKORO _

Up.

_ IS _

Down.

_ GOING _

Left.

_ TO _

Right.

_ DIE _

A.

_ HERE! _

B.

Tears spill from my eyes as I zoom over to Kokoro, who I am thankful cannot see me behind the giant bear head. I am relieved to notice that she is breathing properly, confirming the suspicion that the altitude might have gotten to her. She comments again on Michelle’s smile, to which I push myself to mirror accordingly. 

I do wonder sometimes if I’d be better off in a band that didn’t venture threatening abandoned islands and jumping off of inhuman heights. A band that keeps me on my feet and out of trouble might do a better job at erasing my worldly-escape impulses.

But then I remember what it means to be amongst these four, to whom...one day I will find the courage to openly call my friends - if they’d let me. The four who have showed me that I _ do _ hold happiness within me, and that I can be courageous - even silly - without shame. That at the end of the day, I am the one in control and that I can be Hello, Happy World!’s treasured DJ, composer, lyricist, and manager. That I can do all of these amazing things and use my willpower to fight against the side of myself that tells me I can’t.

We fly into the landing area and I think about Kanon still, high in the sky, happily playing away on the drums.

I am thankful for her presence that had prompted me to stay in the band in the first place. Had it not been for my instinct to look out for her, I would’ve walked away from an opportunity to understand myself more, and feel like I was in an environment where I belonged. To meet others who...I admired and saw a world of promise within.

A world worth living for.

The old me had forgotten what happiness was: trapped in false accusations that this world just wasn’t meant for me to exist within and that there was no point in putting so much effort to stay in. I had just been going through the motions of day-to-day life, not knowing what else to do. I didn’t understand the logic behind the way others smiled with ease, not seeming to struggle even a little bit to do so. Surely they didn’t feel the heaviness of their surroundings the way I did.

And when I met Kanon - who judging by her fidgety movements, panicked expressions, and wide eyes - I had sensed wasn’t quite at ease herself either.

She had some demons of her own.

And yet she fought them with all of her might. She had gotten into a habit of willingly thrusting herself into things she wasn’t always comfortable doing comfortable doing: Volunteering to fly in a hot-air balloon, though it posed threats. Perform on stage in front of daunting crowds that could easily make their own judgements, with harsh words. Even map her way to an unfamiliar location, to which she was always prompted with the possibility of getting lost. Being alone.

I look again at Kokoro in my arms, who reminds me that I am not alone: that in fact, I am actually a treasured member of the Band That Does Not Follow The Thing Called Logic.

“Wasn’t that fun?” Kokoro yells, as we land onto the docking area. My knees buckle beneath me but I muster the strength to respond “Yeah!” through Michelle regardless. We turn around to find the hot air balloon landing slowly, and safely as well.

I see Kanon leap up from her drumset, a smile plastered across her face as if she did not have to endure one of the most terrifying experiences on the planet.

_ She is the most courageous girl I’ve ever met _.

If I were nearly as brave, maybe I’d tell her.

Not only that she’s brave,

But that she means the world to me.

That I have feelings for her.

But I don’t have the courage.

My heart pounds in my ears too loud to entertain the thought any further.


End file.
